GROUNDHOPPING
Clive Hayward
@Byehorse
Clive looks back over his two trips
BATH/TAUNTON (A)
Two trips in three days. Opposite ends of Somerset. Very different journeys and results.
Bath:
Last Saturday we visited the fine city of Bath to see whether our heroes could get a result against a solid play-off team following our excellent win against Truro in midweek.
We couldn’t of course. The league table didn’t lie, and a first half goal from the hosts was always going to be enough to gather three points. But otherwise it was a fantastic day out.
On a rare warm & dry afternoon, shorts and sweatshirts were the order of the day. Paul Bastard, of course, dresses in that fashion all year, and he had some kind words to say about some of my scribblings. He will, in fact, be the first of many namechecks in this, my last nonsense until August. Cheers Paul! You are a club legend.
Another legend who needs a mention here is Nick Brodrick, the Chair of the Torquay United Supporters Trust. I have got to know Nick a little bit this season and he is never less than polite, constructive and diplomatic in circumstances that have led many of us to tear our hair out. The club we love is still in peril and the Trust stands ready to engage with a new buyer. For me, the extent of that engagement will be a real sign as to whether we should trust whoever that turns out to be. Spotting me trudging out of the ground at full time, Nick was ready with a smile and a consoling handshake. https://www.tust.co.uk/join-1
In truth, Bath(a) was me gatecrashing a lads’ day out for Matty & his circle of friends. Most of them went to school together & formed a 5 a side team that rejoiced in the dubious name of Sporting Lesbian (to be fair, I’d have been proud of that gag), It was a joy to knock around with them for a few hours. They are of an age now when many of them are either settling down or wondering if that might be a good idea, and they are also now old enough to have a few tales to tell- some of which they will doubtless embellish and repeat for about another 50 years!
This is Matty’s crew:
· Tom- of “Gulls Soc” fame: a fine young professional pondering getting out of (the) Bath to seek his fortune in the Smoke
· Sam- son of an old work colleague of mine. He’s close with Matty and his Bristol flat was a welcome sanctuary for 2 heartbroken Gulls with hours to kill before the train home from Ashton Gate in 2021
· Pillar- a likeable lad with a long-term marriage plan over which he appears to have little control. He seems happy with it though, and good luck to him!
· Another Tom- literally been friends with Matty since they were both in nappies. Half Irish and clearly silver-tongued given his stellar record with the ladies
· Winch- a newly moustachioed Alpha with a nice line in patter. Eschewing Huish Park festivities to watch the Yellows, he kept the “Yeovil are Massive” chat to a minimum and he is always welcome. I suppose!
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It was certainly not in short supply on Saturday due to Hayward Cock Up Of The Day Number One. Matty contributed to the EU Hash Brown Mountain by inadvertently double-ordering the large Spoons breakfasts. Little went to waste, but for a while we had more plates on our hands than a Big Fat Greek Wedding Planner!
A couple of pints and a few street cans later and we were on our way to the ground. I can’t remember the chap’s name (which might be for the best), but we were joined on our walk to Twerton by a chap none of us had ever seen before. He was having a mad one. There were slight vibes of “Richard” from the first Inbetweeners film! He reckoned to have done £100 in Wetherspoons, lost his mates and was in need of a bit of company. He had only got into the Plainmoor habit quite recently but he certainly seems to have got the hang of away days. He was extremely well refreshed and liberated a Stop-Go board from some unattended roadworks. He carried it for a mile or so and did have a little practice stopping some traffic. It was a hilarious episode.
Post–match involved more can purchase, white Kit Kats all round, a tap-on-tap-off bus ride and some high class drowning of sorrows. I was introduced to Baby Guinness. For the uninitiated, these are shots comprising Kahlua liqueur topped up with Baileys! I can highly recommend them. It is unlikely you will stop at one.
I’m sorry to say that the Baby Guinness led directly on to Hayward Cock Up Number Two. I managed to change trains at Westbury but left my phone to carry on to the delights of Portsmouth Harbour! I am missing it dreadfully, but quite a lot of people are treating my absence from Whats App as a nice little holiday. Every Cloud!!
Taunton:
My visits to the County Town have almost always been for County Cricket at the County Ground. I didn’t actually know where the football ground was until Tuesday night, but that was our destination for another rather important low level cross county clash.
We thought the day would never come, didn’t we? Due to some sad problems with their pitch that may well contribute to their ultimate relegation, the Peacocks had called this game off more often than Stacey West’s engagements!
But on a beautiful evening, I drove three of my Torquay Talk buddies up the M5. Honestly, I felt like I had joined a supergroup! Two of my passengers were Dom Roman and Sam Swann. They are two-quarters of the Gulls Eye View YouTube phenomenon. Another member of that team was also in attendance: train whisperer and Surrey Cricket aficionado Chris Wade.
We have a relationship built on despising the other man’s cricket team, and I lost no time in enquiring whether their failure to beat Somerset will mean curtains for their dominance of the County Championship (probably not). A calmer presence was brought by Rich Heesam, a Torquay based NHS stats guru. To be honest, if he’d been in charge of the Plainmoor budgets for the last few years we might not be in quite the state we are!
Wordsworth Drive is much as you might expect for a Southern League outfit not blessed with heaps of cash. Two low slung and partly uncovered terraces behind the goals and some fairly ramshackle structures with few seats down each side. Portaloos complete the vibe. But it’s fit(tish) for purpose, and the catering was very decent. I had a half time pasty that was well filled and would probably have been tasty were it not the hottest thing this side of Death Valley. Thatcher’s Gold seems to be ubiquitous in Somerset these days, and very refreshing my singular pint was too as the sun went down ahead of another potential arse-nipper!
Torquay’s still (how??) depleted squad was good enough to get the result we needed, and the celebrations of each goal and then the long-delayed final whistle were mighty. Relief, regret and Asa are a heady cocktail!
We circumnavigated the bus depot again, and I managed to pilot us home unscathed. Sam went home to rehearse for his latest Radio Devon appearance, Dom for a new proofreading session of my gibberings and Rich will be continuing to make sure those wonderful doctors and nurses get paid on time before we meet up on Saturday for (hopefully) a nice win against Havant, another Post Mortem on 2023/24 and a couple of pints of grown up apple juice.
COYY – CLIVE
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