TT BLOG

Matty Hayward

@MattyHayward96

Matty talks Williams & Dolan

SIGNING WILLIAMS & DOLAN

I don’t know how often you talk to your parents/children on the phone, but I bet it’s far far less often than Gary and Lee Johnson converse. Luckily, I’ve had a word with some friends who used to work at the News Of The World, and I’ve been able to listen into some of their most recent chats. Here are the completely unedited transcripts:

(any unsavoury language is, I’m afraid, the responsibility of the Johnson family, for which I cannot be held to account).

Thursday 26^th October, 23:01

Gary: “Hi again, boy. How’s your day?”

Lee: “Well it was going alright. It’s eleven o’clock, for fack’s sake, what do you want now?”

“Ah, lovely to hear from you too lad”

“To be fair dad, we have already spoken six times today.”

“Yeah, and what a great help you were! Giving me the numbers of loads of football clubs with loads of young players on their books, who all just happen to be managed or owned by people who I’ve pissed off in my career. Thanks very much!”

“It’s hard to keep track, dad. I just want to watch Newsnight before I get my head down.”

“Ah, politics is it? Not what it used to be, eh? I liked that fella, the guy with the pig, what’s his name, David…”

“Cameron?”

“Don’t you DARE say that RAT’s name, son!”

“I’m so bored of this. What is it you want now?”

“Same as before, son. Literally any footballer. Someone who has once kicked a football. Ideally in an organised league, but I’ll take someone from a 5-a-side cage setup, or if someone excelled in one of those zorbs I’ll give ‘em a trial”

“Ok, ok, dad. I have got someone. A lad from Manchester United, no less”

“Son, I literally do not care. Has he got his own boots?”

“You don’t want any information on him at all?”

“Have you seen the state of my squad?”

“Yeah, ok, fair play. But this is supposed to be a New Gulls Profile for which the writer has barely got permission to ruin the format, I think we should include at least a bit of background on him?!”

“Fine, go on, but I won’t be listening… Peeete!!! We’ve got one!!!! His name? Errr…??”

“It’s Callum. Callum Dolan. He’s a bright little attacking midfielder from Stockport – yeah, where that prick who writes match reports about your game lives. He’s never played a game for me and is coming back from injury, is that alright?”

SILENCE

“Ok…He started at United, got released from there. Went to Blackburn, same. Knocked about the very low levels before having two really good seasons at Warrington Rylands, scoring 21 in 50. Are you listening?”

“Are you done yet?”

“I said he scored a few for Warrington Rylands.”

“Ah I love him – Strictly It Takes Two hasn’t been the same without him. What about this player?”

“We should get you that hearing test. My lot signed him in January – spent a few quid I think – but he failed to make an impression in his four appearances. And now he’s yours!”

“Fab. Fantastic. Anything to be aware of…?”

“Well, you should probably have a quick look at his Wikipedia…”

SILENCE

“So you’ll need to open up your browser…”

“What’s the difference between that and a search engine?”

“We haven’t got time, dad…”

Five minutes of technical instruction pass, Gary finds his way onto Dolan’s Wikipedia. Scrolling through…

“Ah, well, he was a kid when that happened. Tough childhood. I don’t min—oh, son, wait.”

“Yeah I know, not ideal, is it?”

“His middle name is PHILLIPE?!”

DIAL TONE RINGS OUT

31^st October, 13:25

“Ah, finally! Took your time to answer, didn’t you!”

“I was at training! We were doing some tactical work ahead of our huge derby against Blackpool tomorrow.”

“You and your new-fangled technologies! What do you mean ‘tactical work’? You mean you don’t just send them out with a pat on the back every Saturday? You’ll be talking about bollocks like ‘strength and conditioning’ next!”

“I’m not doing this again. What is it?”

“Some great news, boy! You know I said Jarvs was injured? Well, he’s only out for two months! The only player we’ve got who is worthy of wearing the shirt in this pub league is unavailable for our toughest run of fixtures so far!”

“Er, yeah, that is good news I suppose…So you won’t need another player? You’ll just use one of your backup strikers? Maybe give a youngster from the academy some minutes from the bench?”

SILENCE

“Dad? You’ve got backup strikers, yeah? You haven’t got this far in the season playing two up top and having no, like literally zero, zilch, nada attacking options in reserve? You’re not thick, are you?”

“Well, we do have options. On Saturday we played Shaun Donnellan as a number ten, and Rhys Lovett has a professional goal to his name”

“Yeah, you said when you signed him. Is he any good by the way?”

“Mhm.”

“Great. So you want a striker?”

“Yeah. You’ve got Tshimanga, haven’t you?”

“On loan, dad, yeah, so we can’t send him to you.”

“Bollocks. I’d promised Ross on the way back from Hampton. I don’t want him to get angry again!”

“Dad, just tell him you’ve signed a bus load of forwards. He’s shit at spotting them when they’re in his box, I doubt he’ll notice whether they’re in the changing room or not.”

“Jayden Stockley then? He knows the area…?”

“Dad, I am not sending you Jayden bloody Stockley.”

“You’re useless, you. Sod off”

DIAL TONE

13:29

“Lee?”

“Tell him I’m busy!”

“Err, sorry, he’s…just having a look at some pass maps currently. Can I take a message?”

“Yeah. Tell him I can hear him and he’s not sweating over a facking graph, and that he should be the right sort of son and have some gratitude for his old man”

“Hi dad.”

“Yeah, so, I need a striker.”

“I literally haven’t got any strikers.”

“Lies. I see you have a kid called Theo Williams, born 9^th October 2003, who started his career at Sheffield United and has made appearances for Farsley Celtic (scoring six in fourteen) and Darlington (seven goalless games). Downesy helped me with some Googling. Or as he calls it, Wrongunying [this is quite a bad joke about how Australian cricket fans call a ‘googly’ a ‘wrongun’: I’m aware ‘wrongunying’ sounds like something very different and Gary Johnson would never ever make this joke – he has the vibe of someone who hates cricket – but it’s staying in!]”

“I literally don’t know who that is.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever. Can we have him?”

“Let me just go and ask.”

BRIEF SILENCE

“Fackinell son, take your time! Do you not make every single decision at your football club without a semblance of checks and balances, or scrutiny, or accountability? You should try it!”

“Yeah, sorry. You can have him. All our analysts (and the internet) say he’s a winger, or at best a ‘midfielder/striker’ but yeah, take him.”

“Lee. Remind me. What happened last time I wanted the opinion of your analysts?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Correct, because I never fackin’ have! Ha ha ha ha!”

“Yep, very good. How was Callum, by the way? People will probably want a brief account of his debut in his new gull profile.”

“Not bad. Got down the motorway very quickly, which was good – you know I value punctuality. Decent feet, shoots a lot, one of ‘em will go in eventually – it did for Brett!”

“You’re not still picking that— forget it. Got to go now dad. Speak…later.”

“Oh, also –”

DIALLING TONE RINGS