MATCH VERDICT

Matty Hayward

@MattyHayward96

HAMPTON & RICHMOND 3-1 TORQUAY UNITED – MATCH SUMMARY

I’m surprised you clicked the link. Why? Do you enjoy suffering? Or just enjoy reading about it? I can count the number of match reports I’ve read this season on one hand. Not because I don’t value the fantastic, tenacious journalism of TorquayTalk, nor because I don’t care (I really do!), but just because I’m absolutely sick of hearing the same old story. If you fancy it, fair play, but you’ll hear nothing new from me.

The game opened slowly, with Gulls fans (admittedly, me included) being proud to laud it over the opposition that we are, in theory, the ‘bigger club’ with ‘more fans’, which of course is all well and good when you’re bullying teams like Hampton and Richmond like we did in 2018. It’s less well, and less good, when it’s the preface to another embarrassing but unsurprising shellacking by a team for whom good football is not a foreign concept.

It wasn’t long until the Beavers breached United’s defensive dam without too much resistance. The first goal came from a nothingy run down our right: a hopeful ball was bundled in by the previously-re-born-but-now-dead-again Brett McGavin. I’m not sure he could’ve done much about it, apart from refusing to sign a two-year deal out of professional courtesy.

Perhaps we had a bit more possession after that. In truth, at no point in the game were we outclassed, or out-played, or even really under the pump. But, as night follows day, a Hampton attack was not dealt with in the first phase, and the second found Ross Marshall on the wrong side of his forward. A shove in the back sixteen yards out was enough to send the man down, and the deserved penalty was converted. 2-0 down at half time: if not a mountain to climb then certainly a significant peak.

Half time gloom was leavened a little by the Scissor Sisters’ “I don’t feel like dancing” over the PA. In the queue for the bar I remixed it to “I don’t feel like Johnson” to a total of 2 (TWO) laughs. It was worth it. 

Again, after the break we weren’t completely clueless. We were without quality, skill, threat, but we had most of the ball and were rarely threatened. Until we were: a ball over the top deceived our makeshift back four and their big striker beat Lovett to make it three.

Moments earlier than that, we had our first and second shots on target. Those nearer to the goal may have claimed that one of them was spilled over the line by the home ‘keeper. I didn’t see, but let’s not pretend it would’ve changed anything. 

Moments before *that*, my old man – having promised a round of four lagers – came back with a cardboard tray, populated by three plastic cups. One was 75% full, the other two 25% full. The fourth cup was flotsam. People get very excited about the prospect of drinking on terraces, but it really is only exciting if the beer carriers are able to do their duty without complete incompetence.

The term ‘consolation goal’ is so dreadfully overused. Asa’s stoppage-time bundle was less papering over the cracks and more pissing over the canyon. 

3-1 it finished. Three goals to one. Hampton and Richmond Borough THREE, Torquay United Football Club ONE. Even three years ago that would’ve stung, been a complete embarrassment. Now, it’s almost exactly what I predicted pre-match. For shame.

PLAYER RATINGS

1. GK: Mark Halstead – 4

Did nothing wrong, except some pretty rank kicking at times. Went off with a nasty-looking knock to the head on the hour. I would’ve quite liked one of those.

15. RB: Finley Craske – 4

Barely noticed him, so I can’t completely admonish him.

23. CB: Ollie Tomlinson – 3

Did nothing good, and looked to get completely done for the third.

21. LB: Dean Moxey – 4

Alright, but so old, and looked it.

6. CB: Ross Marshall – 1

Another opportunity for him. How many will he get? Gave the ball away so often, conceded the penalty. Not sure what he did to earn the 1.

16. MF: Shaun Donnellan – 3

Nice to confirm, I guess, that he’s as ineffectual in midfield as he is at right back.

14. MF: Brett McGavin – 3

Could’ve been sent off at the end for a last-man tackle that he got on the wrong side of. Pedestrian.

20. MF: Callum Dolan – 5

Maybe I just haven’t worked up enough of a back catalogue of anger against him yet, but I thought he was slightly brighter than the average. In the same way that a pebble looks bright in a field full of mud.

27. RW: Jack Stobbs – 4

Got to the byline a lot, put lots of very bad crosses in. Semi-lively, in a very very unlively field.

10. LW: Lewis Collins – 3

He isn’t good enough.

11. ST: Brad Ash – 3

Thankless task today, but he’s not good enough either.

Subs

22. GK: Rhys Lovett – 4

Nothing he could do for the goal. Not to blame, but not good either.

7. MF: Ryan Hanson – 4

Thanks for coming.

8. ST: Asa Hall – 4

Basically played as a target man. It didn’t work.

Rate the TUFC Players Here

MAN OF THE MATCH – CALLUM DOLAN

As the ratings imply, I’ll give it to Dolan solely because he had a couple of shots from range and I haven’t got a dossier of evidence as to why he’s completely inept yet, unlike his colleagues. 

THE OFFICIALS

The pen was stone wall, and I can’t argue with the maybe-over-the-line-goal from where I was. She did well, and anyone criticising her is either desperately scrabbling for excuses to make sense of our appalling football team, or desperately scrabbling for excuses to disparage a woman. It could be both, of course. 

TACTICS

With Jarvis and Lapslie out, and a complete, gaping absence of any quality depth options, Johnson’s hand was slightly forced. Dolan came into a midfield three with McGavin and Donnellan (in the role that was momentarily dubbed ‘the Fellaini Role’ until he failed to win his headers as well as pass the ball straight). Craske to right back, Moxey left back, and Marshall back into the heart of defence.

OPPOSITION

I so enjoyed my day out at Hampton last time we were in this godforsaken league. They feared us then – rightly, we had Janneh, and Reid, and Kalala was on fire, and Lemonheigh-Evans was finding his feet, and Jake Andrews hadn’t found the pies – but today they just…didn’t! They knew they could defend their eighteen yard box and attack us down the middle AND down our flanks. We’re no longer considered to be a good team in this league, and it means teams like Hampton and Richmond are pretty chilled out about the concept of playing against us. It’s not even a coup anymore…

CONCLUSION

George Edwards was in attendance today, which is good of him. It’s the first time I’ve noticed him, partly because I didn’t really know what he looked like, funnily enough. I hope he enjoyed it: I didn’t. I wonder if Osborne knows we played? Knows the score?

Torquay fans sung “Torquay til I die” at the end, and on the train platform afterwards. I think that sentiment applies to me. But there has to come a point where it means something. If it’s just a blind, emotionless trudge of an existence, wherein you follow the club through the troughs and trenches, then does it mean anything at all? What’s the point of being ‘Torquay til you die’ if you sit back and observe as malevolent agents and forces wrench that club from your grip? Is that evidence of enduring love, or myopic, meaningless devotion? Being ‘Torquay til you die’ has to be about fighting, about defending, about ensuring that the club you fell in love with is still there, and recognisable, so that your children and grandchildren can fall in love with it. Maybe I’m being hyperbolic (I blame the Train Doombar), maybe I’m shoehorning long-held beliefs into a match report because I’ve not written one for a while, but we can’t go on being quietly discontented at this cataclysmic shit show.

The fish continues to rot from the top all the way down. 

COYY – MATTY

SOCIAL MEDIA

#TUFC this is the nearest we’ve had to any kind of comment from the club. @TORQUAYTALK @TalkingTorquay pic.twitter.com/9BfVjdVPHi

— Jamie (@donttakethepeas) October 28, 2023

Osborne, Edwards, Hayman, Johnson – what the hell is going on at this club we love. Absolute disgrace. #tufc

— DOMINIC ROMAN (@DomRoman) October 28, 2023

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