TT BLOG

Matty Hayward – @MattyHayward96

It’s been a summer of flags. Whether they’re hung from lamposts, daubed on roundabouts, banned from musical events or “loved” by the Prime Minister, you’ve seen and thought a lot about flags in recent months. They’re great. A symbol of nationhood, of community, of belonging. They’re useful for declaring allegiance to a sporting team, or expressing patriotic identity, or showing solidarity with a cause. They can also be used to marginalise, to exclude, to intimidate.

It is the latter uses to which we must take issue, which brings me to Swindon-supporting comedian and broadcaster Ivo Graham. Over the weekend, he began a campaign to celebrate the diversity of his home-town club, and the nationalities of players who have represented it, by flying eleven countries’ flags from the Wichelstowe Bridge on the M4. In order to qualify for this, a player had to be the only person to represent Swindon Town from their country. His lineup included ex-Gull Rory Fallon, Red Star Belgrade’s Timi Elsnik, and Paulo Di Canio’s first captain – if you can include Paulo Di Canio in a conversation about welcoming foreigners – Oliver Risser.

There’s more about Ivo’s effort on his Instagram – @ivo_graham.

Of course, this left me thinking just one thing: can a similar XI of Torquay players be assembled?

Of course, the answer is yes.

Of course, I’ve turned it into an article.

Preliminaries

I want to be clear about the criteria, here. To qualify for my side, a player must be the only person from their country to play for Torquay.

I’ve assembled and trimmed a squad of about 23. Nationhood and national identity are, for some, complex matters. Many of the Yellows’ esteemed former players are of dual or multiple heritage. Borders change. Families migrate. Identities conflate. This is an excellent thing, but it makes the selection process for my incredibly pointless project far from cut-and-dried.

I have, in the first instance, used international football appearances (at any age group), to determine someone’s nationality. Other considerations, like birthplace and heritage, come in after that. It is not my intention or aim to assert anyone’s national identity, nor do I intend to begin an international geopolitical row. If I’ve got any of it wrong, I’m sorry!

I’m also not picking the Kenyan international who represented the Gulls under Martin Ling because my team will not welcome (alleged!) domestic abusers.

So, with the caveats and clarifications firmly out the way, here lies my United Colours Of Torquay XI.

Goalkeeper

Of all the positions, this squad is most blessed with goalkeepers. In terms of quantity anyway. None of Fabian Spiess, Simon Rayner, Mikkel Andersen nor Brendan Moore even make the bench!

They’re beaten to the number one shirt by the best netsman I’ve seen at the club. Austrian stopper Bobby Olejnik joined from Falkirk in 2011 as a replacement for Bristol-bound Scott Bevan, and was an instant hit in a side that won plaudits for defensive solidity. He was the best goalie in League Two that season, and earned himself a move to Peterborough in the Championship the following summer.

Bobby played all 46 games that year, then won the Posh’s player of the season award in the subsequent League One campaign. He played for another few very small, completely inconsequential clubs after that, before retiring to a job in the technology sector. His thirteen appearances for Austria U21s earn him a place in this team, and I think he’ll be a busy ‘keeper.

Defence

It’s not looking great at the back. We’ve got five Oners to choose from, and none of them will trouble the club historians too much in years to come.

Right Back

The one who might have a claim to historical significance is Arkell Jude-Boyd. The right-back joined on loan from QPR amid almost total collapse and chaos at Plainmoor, and was thrust straight into action in arguably the most toxic period of the club’s history.

It’s no exaggeration to say that Jude-Boyd was if not pivotal, certainly extremely influential in Torquay United Football Club continuing to exist as we know it. He scored six goals in total, including one in a draw at Weymouth, the opener in a vital win at Truro (Gloucester), and a brace in a home draw with Weston Super Mare. He had half a claim for player of the season, despite only making seventeen appearances.

Since, AJB has represented Saint Lucia six times. Having scored on his debut last September against Curacao, the youngster has established himself in Stern John’s (yes, Stern John’s) side, as they finished second in the CONCACAF Division B. Don’t say I don’t treat you with this stuff.

Clearly a glutton for punishment and a sucker for crisis clubs, Arkell followed Gary Johnson and Aaron Downes to Cheltenham Town in the summer of 2024. They currently sit bottom of League Two.

Centre Backs

My right sided centre back is Michee Efete. A rare Gary Owers signing who was neither abysmal nor a future star, the DR Congo under 20 international joined on loan from Norwich for the 2017-18 season. He has since carved out a half-decent career with Grimsby and Ross County.

HERE’s a link to a Daily Mail (sorry) story about him dislocating his finger at Seale Hayne, and Darren Huckerby commenting on his Instagram account. No, I don’t know why it exists either.

Efete also had a disappointingly short-lived ‘career’ as a rapper, under the name Mizzy. HERE is his biggest hit, Sweet One.

70,000 views is not to be sniffed at.

Alongside him is a behemoth, a quintessential Yellowsman, a fundamentally bad but fundamentally fun footballer. Step forward, Ali Omar.

One of the seven ‘Manic Monday’ signings, Ali will forever be remembered for his physical presence at the back. He should serve as a reminder that being an enormous unit does not necessarily qualify someone as good enough to play for Torquay, and Omar certainly never was. But he was a nice man. And a leader. He can take the captain’s armband.

Since leaving Torquay he’s played for Larne in Northern Ireland, and four times for Somalia. After a clean sheet on debut in Guinea, his side have shipped seven in three, haven’t scored, and sit bottom of their World Cup qualifying table. We should see him at Plainmoor this season, for Farnborough.

Left back

Mo Camara was a serious footballer, and has probably forgotten his spell in Torquay colours. But I haven’t, because I distinctly remember sitting in the Family Stand being excited about the fact that we’d signed someone who had played for Celtic.

I shouldn’t have been. Two games for the Gulls in 2010 were his last in professional football, a footnote in a career that included 20 caps for Guinea, an African Cup Of Nations bow, one Premier League appearance (for Derby, yes that Derby team, in a 6-0 drubbing at Anfield), 180 minutes in a Champions League qualifier and two dozen games in the French top flight. Wikipedia reckons he now scouts for Derby and runs a wine bar in Wolverhampton.

Midfielders

Right Wing

As we move into midfield, we welcome one of two footballers to represent Torquay United and an Asian national team. I refer, of course, to Dillon De Silva.

Thirty nine games, two spells, five goals. A dominant display (in defeat) at home to Dorking might be the Sri Lankan’s most memorable appearance for the Yellows. He was fine! Not the worst, nor the best, in a series of absolute appalling Torquay teams.

He still plays in the National League, now for Sutton, and continues to represent his national side. The ‘Golden Army’ have their eyes on 2027 Asian Cup qualification, and thanks to a De Silva goal against Chinese Taipei in June, they’ll fancy their chances.

Central Midfield

Alongside him in the middle of the park is a man who is fundamentally not a central midfielder, but will have to do a job. Welcome Klaidi Lolos.

He came from Greece, he had a thirst for Notching,

But studied goals next to the Spires College

So he caught,

No one’s eye

I maintain that Klaidi Lolos wasn’t very good, and will continue to do so in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary. He did brilliantly in League Two at Crawley, fairly well at Bolton, and is now finding his feet at Peterborough. But I’m still not having him, and will play him out of position in my team to make him like silly.

Next to him in this incredibly open midfield is a man who played a good amount of his football out wide last season, before being converted to the middle of the park in the final few games. Omar Mussa is one of my favourite Torquay United players of all time. His eccentricity was his gift, his natural ability was unrivalled in that team, and while his decision-making held him back I maintain that we were a better side when he was in it. He’s also literally Jeremy Doku’s mate.

The Moose will be among many in this XI who bring smiles to fans’ faces, if not three points to the league table. Points are overrated. Fun isn’t.

Left Wing

We go back to the Caribbean for our left winger, Trinidad and Tobago international Jake Thomson. I distinctly remember being at a meet-the-players TUST event when I was about ten, and Thomson claimed (or joked in a tone that I didn’t pick up) that he was in the squad for the team that lost to England at the 2006 World Cup.

A quick Google disproves this – he would’ve been seventeen when Gerrard and Crouch sealed a 2-0 English win, for starters – but he did play twice for his country in 2009. Qualification for 2010 was beyond his side, due in part to a 4-0 defeat to Costa Rica on Thomson’s debut. His second cap, four days later, was a more impressive 2-2 draw with Mexico.

I liked Thomson. He was quick and skilful and better than many young loanee wingers we’ve had in the past. He played 21 times for Buckle, scoring once in a home win over Cheltenham.

Forwards

With a back four like that, we’re going to need some goalscorers. Step forward: Enoch Showumni and Benji Kimpioka. Ah.

Like Mo Camara, Enoch Showumni’s spell at Plainmoor is a sad addendum to a non-embarrassing Football League Career. Luton, Bristol City, Leeds, Tranmere, Notts County. These are serious clubs.

His game was never really about goals – Enoch was an out-and-out target man – but he still found the net fifty three times before retiring in 2015. For Torquay, he was a desperation signing, in a season where Plainmoor was an abbattoir for centre forwards. Say moo, Callum Ball. Say moo, Connor Wilkinson. Etc. He started up front at Whaddon Road with fellow shire horse Jayden Stockley, and I’ll never forget the feeling: March sun glaring, survival hopes dwindling, two of the least mobile men in Western Europe floundering and muscling their way around a field in Gloucestershire with a football match going on behind them.

But he will have forgotten that, instead counting his two Nigerian caps acquired ten years prior – six minutes in total, against Cote d’Ivoire and Jamaica – as something to be proud of.

Alongside him, unfortunately, is Benji Kimpioka. It should’ve been so different. If his shot at Dagenham hadn’t hit Josh Umerah. If he had taken the gilt-edged chance at home to Bromley. If he had the minerals to take a penalty at Asht*n G*te and spare us of Matt Buse Misery. If, if, if, we might’ve gone up that year. But we didn’t.

The Swede will probably have a decent crack at professional football. After leaving Sunderland, he’s been back to Sweden, then Switzerland, then Scotland, before signing this summer for Turkish second tier side Sivasspor. We should never have needed to rely on a young man finding his way in the game, and he’s doubtless a better player now than he was then. Nonetheless, to borrow a phrase from Jay Cartwright, fucking hell Benji!

Subs

Question: what’s worse than being selected in a team alongside Ali Omar and Benji Kimpioka?

Answer: not being selected in that team. Here’s the bench

Lucas Covolan – Brazil. We’ll bring him on when we need a goal, or need someone to kick an opponent very hard in the head. The only Brazilian for Torquay United, but far from the only Brazilian in Torquay. You get the idea.

Jakub Sokolik – Czechia. A Gary Owers centre half. Need I say more? The Czechman didn’t impress in his seven appearances.

Bruno Meirelles – Portugal. Does it annoy anyone else that a person from Portugal is called “A Portuguese?” I really hate when commentators say “and the Spaniard, Rodri, passes to the Portuguese, Bernardo Silva.” It just sounds so wrong. I never saw Bruno play – can you tell?

Ashley Nathaniel-George – Antigua and Barbuda. You weren’t expecting that, eh? One hit wonders are supposed to have one excellent hit. Heaven Is A Place On Earth is GREAT. I Am The One And Only is GOOD. Ashley Nathaniel-George’s one hit was the first half of our opener in 2022. We never saw him again, but he’s since played 11 games for his country, scoring once against the mighty Guadeloupe.

Samir Nabi – Pakistan. Among stiff competition, I think Nabi is in the top five worst players I’ve ever seen in a Torquay shirt. He joined Bobson Bawling, Jason Banton, Chris Regis and company in Gary Johnson’s almost immediate, much-needed clear-out. The midfielder played two games for Pakistan in 2019, both against Cambodia. They lost both. Presumably Shaheen Afridi was unavailable.

Ozzy Zanzala – Congo. For many geopolitical reasons, it is pivotal that I point out that Ozzy is from a different country to Michee Efete. It really is key that you don’t confuse the two. I really liked Zanzala: his performance on about 25% fitness at Tonbridge will always stick in the memory. Not a natural footballer, but he’s learned to use his body well and has fashioned a half-decent career out of his limited ability.

Conclusion

What can we conclude from this? Well, nothing really. I’ve probably got too much time on my hands, and a semi-worrying commitment to niche Torquay United footballers.

I think, also, we should probably thank the powers of migration. Without them, Omar Mussa would never have dazzled us with his dancing feet at Hemel, Lucas Covolan never would’ve scored that header, and we would never have seen anyone as slow as Enoch Showumni. Migrants (or their children or grandchildren) shouldn’t have to be supremely talented at football to be embraced, but in a political climate obsessed with undermining this stuff, sometimes it’s nice to remind ourselves what migration has added to our country.

And so, here’s your United Colours Of Torquay team in full: